Dearest fools of the world,
I’m here to help you. If you have a problem I will pretend to care and will offer insight to make your life less lame. I’ve had a lot of practice with Boss – she’s queen of the idiots, after all. In the meantime, I’ve posted some thoughts here that may help improve your day-to-day.
What should I do before I get pregnant?
-Undecided in Vancouver
I can’t believe you need help with this one. There are only two things you need to do:
1) Get your tubes tied
2) High five your husband, boyfriend, and/or one night stand
Attention loners and isolated weirdos of the world: If you want to make and keep friends, the answer is easy. Forget having a “good” sense of humour or bonding over shared interests. New friendlies only need one thing: Cupcakes. Bitches love their cupcakes. If Boss can buy friendships with treats, it’ll work for anybody. The reason this tactic proves successful is two-fold:
1) It suggests the false promise there will be more dessert gifts in future – nobody wants to rid themselves of the sweet-bearing friend.
2) If you treat your new friend to high-sugar/high-fat delicious goodies often enough, they’ll eventually start to pudge out and their skin will lose its porcelain luster – by comparison, you’ll be the attractive one out of the two of you…unless genetics aren’t in your favour. I offer advice, not miracles.
When I’m having a bad day, I cough up a hairball on Boss’ bed. Watching her dry heave as she cleans it up makes my day feel comparatively better. Try it out the next time you need uplifting.
Stress is a great motivator.
Evidence: Sometimes I turn Boss’ alarm off and wake her up an hour later than she wanted. Nothing beats watching her race to get ready for work as she shouts expletives and throws her phone across the room in a rage – yet she always manages to pull herself together and make it to work on time. Added bonus: it gives her cardio as well as helps wake her up. Hello efficiency.